picture October 7, 2010

It’s been awhile and a lot has changed.

For the past 22 months, I have been spending my weekends as a step-mother so to speak. I am not legally married, but after six years, you can call it what you want.

Not getting into too much detail, I have a picture on my desk of myself and great little guy that I call tater tot, captain crazy pants, beans, button… the list could go on. He’s impacted my life to the highest levels that I can’t even begin to imagine. It’s hard for me to put into words what he means to me and what his father has brought into my life. This 3 foot tall, 38 pound curly-headed devious tornado.

This picture was taken about a year ago. The period of time that happened not to long afterwards has really taken a toll on me mentally. Sometimes I look at this picture and cry to let it out. Sometimes, I can talk about it, but then I cry some more because of how much he’s a part of my life.

What prompted me to write this, after glancing at the picture was that I closed my eyes again and relived the moment that I felt lost and beside myself. I can say I haven’t really felt that way before.

About a year ago, on a Sunday tater and I were laying on the couch watching tv before his dad got up. I noticed that he was drooling on me, which was kind of out of the ordinary. I turned and looked at him and his eyes were rolled in the back of his head. At this point I was more confused than panicked, but that was beginning to set in at a very fast pace. As I picked him up he was limp. That’s when the panic set in. I laid him down on the flood and he was kind of foaming at his mouth and shaking uncontrollably. I started screaming for his father. All I heard were echos vibrating off my brain as I stood there staring, crying, walking backwards. His dad came out of the bedroom and I pointed and incoherently manged to get out, “I think he’s having a seizure, what do we do?!”

From those echos of my screaming and panic I called 911. His dad was bent over letting him know everything would be okay as I struggled to relay instructions to him. I kept pleading with the 911 dispatcher to tell them medics to please hurry, as I heard to sirens in the distance. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life.

I felt like I blinked and then I was watching myself interact with the medics answering questions, watching them work on tater and hearing his dad on the phone with his dad and trying to get ahold of tater’s mom.

I couldn’t answer the questions fast enough, so that I could rush to be at his side. They were administering him oxygen and he was coming to. With tears rolling down my face, I just wanted answers to what happened. More than likely it was a seizure, but they wanted to take him to Children’s to be sure. His dad told me to ride with him in the ambulance. I kind of hesitated, as I felt like I let him down because I panicked, but he assured me it would be fine.

We gathered our things and were placed on the gurney. I held him as tight as I could, running my fingers through his hair. He looked so out of it, so groggy. He was moaning too. I thought to myself, he has not a clue what just happened to him. His dad followed behind the ambulance on the long trek throughout the City.

When we arrived, he was quite agitated, yet still groggy. I couldn’t imagine what he was thinking, but all I knew was that I didn’t want to let go of him, but his dad sat in the bed with him until his mom came. When she showed up, that’s when I felt like something was ripped from me, that I had no rights to this wonderful little guy.

We spent the entire Sunday in the hospital. I was physically and emotionally drained, but happy he was okay. He went home with his mom.

Over the next few months he had 5 or so more seizures. They seemed to had been induced by fevers, but the doctor’s weren’t quite sure. Today he is on medicine, which seems to be helping a great deal. His last episode was in February/March.

When I watch him playing, can’t help but think that he has absolutely no idea what he endured. He seems to have gotten over not liking to be touched on his arms and face, but I have never been so aware in my life of another human being. I never thought my heart and soul would grow so much love for this person that knows my face, but barely knows my name. When he sees me and he smiles, it is the best feeling in the world and no matter what, I know, no one can tell me otherwise.

totally the truth August 27, 2008

i have become a recent fan of stuff black people hate. if you haven’t read the blog before, please do. i am sure you will relate to at least 80% of the blogs that chris (the writer) speaks on.

but today, in one of his final posts, chris made a vaild point. if we go to shit and then you don’t like it, change your mind, do some back peddling then you can proceed to blow it out of your ass.

i watched part of mrs. clinton’s speech yesterday. i saw the last few minutes of it cause i got home late, but i changed it to watch this lovely gem. my only plea to voters out there is this:

understand who you are voting for. know what they are about. cause honestly, i don’t think you want 4 more years of the last 8. not voting for obama because he isn’t ready or black (oh yeah, i said it), isn’t a reason why. apply your life situations to what both candidates are going through right now. can you relate to them or not? seriously if you are choose a non-valid reason not to vote for one or the other or not at all, then you are stupid.

plain and simple. you should be honored and elated that you even can vote.
so suck it the fuck up and stop being such a piss ass motherfucker about it.